My Rotarian Homestay: Mon-Wed, March 7-9th, 2011

Finally have the strength to talk/type about this-- It was too much for one blog entry so they are making me split it, here's one half:

The first evening in Chennai was spent at the Welcome Reception. It served as an introduction to the culture. In between purchasing Indian items, trying on sarees, watching the young Indian dancers and drummers, eating Indian food and conversing with local university students, it felt and was a great time. The next day was the start of my Rotarian homestay. I had no idea what to expect but was excited all the same. We were paired and I had seen and chatted with my partner, Sarah, on brief occasions around the ship. We found that we were both from New York and had went on service and home stays in virtually every port. She got off the bus first and greeted our host “mother.” I didn't think anything of the way her eyes flickered across me when she greeted me. Nor the fact that she proceeded to solely address my partner as we waited for the driver to come around with the car. I was too busy checking out the scenery to care. The family was relatively wealthy considering the car and amenities of having a maid/nanny and personal driver.
        Our host mother took us to the cultural talent show which her job was hosting. It was in a theater and we felt slightly intimidated as heads turned curiously. We were seated and tried to make out what was happening given everything was in Tamil. There were some comedy acts, singing, dancing. I enjoyed it even though I was highly uncomfortable and couldn't understand the language. As a natural musician, I understand music and fortunately it is universally beautiful. She spoke to Sarah and asked her how she felt about it. I nodded a lot even though I wasn't being addressed. She gave Sarah a cell phone to get in contact with them since they worked a lot and we would be spending a significant amount of time with hired drivers. We were then picked up by her husband who worked for Citibank and was meeting us during his lunch break. Ironically both of our host parents worked for American-based corporations. One would think that their comprehension of the melting pot that make America what it is would trickle down to its international employees, but such isn't always the case when personal biases interfere. He was polite upon introduction and took us to a fancy Indian-Chinese restaurant. He sat on the same side of the table with me, across from Sarah. For the enduring hour and a half, he simply looked across and much of the conversation was directed to Sarah.
        The waiter passed out menus and our host father asked Sarah what she wanted. She ordered “volcano chicken.” They went on a laughing tidbit about Indian food and its spiciness. I looked at the menu and couldn't make my mind up but he abruptly told the waiter what we would have. He didn't want it to be too spicy for me, he said. I kind of nodded as in agreement. The food was delicious but I couldn't be more anxious to leave. I'd tried a couple of times to be a part of the conversation. He would look at me, nod, ask a question every now and then, but revert back to Sarah. At one point she tried to include me because it seemed she began to sense what was happening, but it was completely ineffective. I also waved away her efforts. I was there, but invisible essentially. I stared at the decorum. I focused on my breathing. I ate my food. My mind was numb and I was too stunned to cry. I didn't know whether to confront him. A couple of times I turned to my right and thought to give him a piece of my mind, but voted that down quickly. I am not a disrespectful person, and while he was clearly disrespecting me, me addressing him wouldn't make him any different at the core than he already was. I thought about catching a rickshaw back to the ship but I am not a quitter. I wanted to disappear and my entire body became rigid from my growing discomfort. As I drifted in and out of my thoughts, I could hear Sarah laughing and chatting away and I simply grew resentful. How is that two people could be in the same moment yet have complete opposite experiences?
        I couldn't have been happier to finish lunch. The calamari, volcano chicken, lamb with dry chili paste, rice, soup and fried ice-cream was excellent. The restaurant was exquisite but the experience wasn't. It was humbling. I had an emotional roller-coaster surging through my veins and I was forced to deal with irrational thoughts and emotions quickly and rationally so as not to become bitter. We were picked up by two paid friends of our host family who showed us the beach and the government fair. They later dropped off to the Rotary meeting where all of the SAS students who were participating in the home stay would be. As I watched everyone come in, people were so happy and gushing about their awesome families who were also with them, that I couldn't help but feel jealous. I wasn't one who shied from uncomfortable situations. For my South African homestay, there was an odd number of SAS participants. I could either go along with one with family with two other SAS'ers or go alone with another family. I opted to go alone because of the tendency we as people have when we travel in packs. We tend to cluster ourselves with familiarity and this trip or the homestays specifically was going to be the best way to learn about myself and coping within the means of other cultures.
        People commented on my disposition. I was down and I didn't know how to shake it off. I didn't want to make it bigger than it was because I simply hoped it would get better the next day. I also didn't know the permanence of our housing situations. But more than anything, I did not have enough proof or confidence to call it a “race situation.” I am never one to attribute anything to the color of my skin or my ethnicity. I am a believer in hard work and have found perceived boundaries to be figments of the mind in my rise in education and my future endeavors. But here, I was facing something that I knew had nothing to do with me as a person because I offered my general personality and nature as I would normally do. Yet as I began to take notice, I realized it wasn't personal. They didn't have anything against me per se, but because the color of my skin made them treat me different and it being such a foreign experience to be judged so directly with less subtlety, my entire temperament was altering.
        I finally choked up and explained my housing situation with one of my SAS friends, Meg, in confidence. She consoled me and assured me that she would mention my situation to her host family who had taken in Alyssa making three total SAS'ers. It was one huge multicultural family. She introduced me to the oldest of her host sisters, Priyanka, who was very nice but I couldn't shake the prejudice of my existing family and was very tense and terse. Our host father finally arrived and picked  us up. It was another sign of our lack of connection as compared to the other families who accompanied them. I begin to think as a first time hosting families, they did not allot enough time to build a relationship with us. In the same token, it punctured me to know that the relationship they did care to wasn't with me. There was a preference and it angered me. That night, we were offered Peach Schnapps and walked out to their terrace, engaging in more awkward conversation. I was always surprised when I was asked a question. While in silence, I faded into the background and observed their faces. The way their eyes took in everything Sarah did, the way they traveled when she moved, when she asked a question how they lit up. They were extra attentive and meticulous in adhering to her needs. When they spoke to me, their eyes travelled and they were quick to refer back to Sarah. They talked to us about their upbringing, how they met and the nature of their household. I can't tell you what I remember of what they said, only of what I felt as they talked.
        We went to bed that night in the same room in separate bubbles. I wasn't sure what Sarah wanted from me since she sat up a bit and laundered around our guest room. I was conflicted. I was too angry, hurt and confused to engage in a conversation. I took the shameful passive way out. I put my Ipod on, turned over and laid awake until my thoughts ceased and sleep took over. The next morning which was our scheduled SAS outing around the city with the other SAS'ers, I stayed in the room until it was just about time to leave then went out and ate breakfast with the family. Sarah was playing with their little girls who were finally out and the maid/nanny was washing dishes in the kitchen. I sat on the edge of my chair and ate as quickly as I could. The presence of the children made it much more difficult for me. They were lovely cute kids and in my natural normal nature, I am a playful person. I wanted to smile at them and play with them as I would with any kids, but I was so out of synch with my real being that I was just as cold with them as I was with Priyanka, the host sister of Meg. I wondered if they thought I was odd or if they were learning to be discriminatory as their parents were.
        I had a chance to patch that rough beginning with Priyanka. She accompanied the girls on our SAS outing. I spent the day with them and it was refreshing to be myself. She commented on my behavior and the difference. I decided to come out and ask her very bluntly what the “deal was with Indians and black people.” She responded just as directly. She told me that back when they were oppressed, Africans were considered “worse off.” Some traditionalists or older Indians did not really care for them and thought of them as inferior or ignorant. Meg gasped but I simply nodded. It made sense. History teaches us that every civilization under oppression finds someone else to oppress. It is a way of creating hierarchy when there is none—even when it is initiated by those who have felt what it is like to be persecuted. I thanked her for her honesty. At 20 years old, she was well versed and I appreciated her liberal thinking. She asked for the origin of that question and I told her about my family. She had confirmed what I was thinking but I didn't know how it made sense in Indian culture. She asked if I told them that I wasn't African but rather American, but I told her that's not the point. They judged me because of my skin color. I had seen Indians of various shades—many darker than me yet they treated me differently because of the association. That affected me because I had never experienced that before. Telling them I wasn't “African” but rather a Filipino, Native and African- “American” would excuse their preexisting prejudices.  That was unacceptable.
        For the remaining of the trip, we began discussing how I could switch over to their house. We asked Sarah would she mind if I left. She was nonchalant and said it was no problem. We spoke to Julie the trip leader. I picked up on her discomfort given the subject matter, but she was incredibly helpful in trying to make it possible. We were all concerned about how I would get my things which were back at the apartment. I wanted to make things less dramatic and complicated as possible. I didn't want a confrontation, I didn't want them to be singled out. I just wanted to calmly and respectfully be done with that family. If they got a talk from the SAS-Rotarian club president or from Julie our SAS trip leader, it would make things worse. You know what you feel. Being threatened or sanctioned by someone would make the situation less tolerable knowing what is masked under sudden kindness. I borrowed the phone from Sarah to call our host father. The plan was to feign sickness and catching a ride back to the ship with some other students. The conversation was brief because he was at work and I hung up relieved. When the bus arrived at the original parking lot, Priyanka's mother was the first to arrive. I got off the bus with Meg, Lauren, Alyssa and Priyanka. Julie and the SAS-Rotarian club president also got off and everyone was talking and discussing how we smooth the transition. They finally concluded that I would just go home immediately with them and they got my host family information to figure out how to get my bag later that evening. I thanked everyone tirelessly. When I got into the mini-van and squished in with my SAS friends, their host mother, friend, driver and Priyanka. I couldn't stop smiling, as cliché as it sounds.. it all suddenly felt right.
        Priyanka's mother asked if I was happy with my new family and I answered quickly and empathetically. Priyanka commented about my huge grin and expressed it to her mother in Tamil. Everyone laughed and the conversation flowed naturally as we wove through the city. The relief I felt cannot be duplicated in words. They assured me we would get my bag situation sorted out and that we did. Priyanka spoke to my host father over the phone in Tamil. He wasn't going to let up so easily though. He told me if I was going back to the ship he would drop my bags off. If I was going to stay over someone else's house, I was going to have to pick up my stuff. Once Priyanka's mother heard that she began shaking her head. No one wanted me to have to go back because we were sure he would have a few words for me. What those would be, who knew but frankly, I wanted to avoid that scene as well. He started talking about me and Priyanka conveyed what he was saying. We heard some possible options and Priyanka went with them. He painted the picture of me as an introverted, unapproachable mean person. Sarah wasn't like that and that's why they connected with her. Priyanka was apologetic as she agreed with him but I waved to her that it was okay. She told him that I was very very shy and that right now I was the complete opposite because I was around my friends. It worked because she got him to agree to drop my bag off with their maid since we were out and about. Once she hung up, everyone applauded and high-fived me. It was awesome to just fit without having to be anything or anyone but me. It was the start of a better India experience, beginning with a glimpse at the kinder, beautiful people residing in India.