Regrets

It is easy to have regrets while on this trip. You have more than enough time to think. And think. And think some more. But the thinking you do, is the irrational type. We don't really think clear lol. Like our thought process is that of people already used to ship life and just being abroad at this point. So naturally, trying to sort out some of these regrets or expressing this stuff to some people back home is totally worthless. I went off on my best friend a few times. I was pretty down on myself for not having gone on big, touristy trips. Thanks to ETS, I have had this experience fully funded. I personally looked through the list of SAS trips and all that I've done was chosen by me. I took the requirements for my classes which are all service based, and I looked at the magnitude of this experience in general, and I weighed it. The best way I could see to use monies that weren't mine was to make sure that I indulged in every opportunity to give back to others. Having done tons of service and homestays/visits in previous countries, I can say that I have had an authentic connection or appreciation of the countries we have come to know and respect. My logic for passing on the Rio (Brazil) Taj Mahal (India),  Ankor Wat (Cambodia), Great Wall (China) packages was that they would always be there. It didn't make sense to me to land in one part of a country and spend hours to a day or so commuting to an entire different part of that country. You lost more time, and you didn't get to experience the port of which we arrived in. The SAS ports change every semester and the probability of us going to some of the smaller or less touristy areas is a lot slimmer when we travel abroad on our own in general. For example, I am very very pleased with the way I spent my time in Takoradi, Ghana. Takoradi is not an ideal tourist attraction. But I wouldn't know how the Ghananian people lived, if I had bypassed it and simply went to Accra and Elmira. Take Capetown, South Africa. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I loved every bit of it. I could have did a lot of awesome SAS trips like wine tasting. But then I wouldn't have left the touristy coast of Capetown and saw what was beyond the beautiful and into the heart of an ugly Apartheid past...Wouldn't have done my Township homestay and met Mama Titi, Tumi and Nladte. I wouldn't have met Eugene. I wouldn't have done Habitat for Humanity and help finish a house for a low-income family, or checked out Robben Island and visit Nelson Mandela's cell.  Rio in Brazil is a known hot spot. I know that I can get there again. The chances of me going deep into the Amazon, going back to that village we stayed and the school we helped remodel? Zero to none. Most of my friends who did the Taj trip had to fly to Delhi because it was expensive to fly directly to the area of the Taj directly from where we were. Then they had to fly/take a sleeper train from there... you get where I am going with this. Chennai was quite a city... Nothing like it. Again, more time lost and costly. Great experiences heading where they went of this I am sure, but as intense and saddening as my Disabled Children's home visit or Rotarian (3 days/2 nights) homestay was, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It was important for me to have that experience with my eventual host family and find a reason to like India again. I have built a fond connection with the family and they gave us their addresses, emails and phone numbers. They told us whenever we are in India to stay with them, and that is my intention. That time around, I hope to make the Taj Mahal part of my itinerary. Viet Nam had a variety of things going on and there were such vast differences within the (South and North) country that leaving and going to Cambodia never even crossed my mind. If I'd done the Great Wall trip I would have left the day we arrived in Hong Kong for Beijing which goes back to my comment about missing out on actual stops (Shanghai) on this itinerary. Both of which are two of my now favorite ports. Gotta say, I didn't feel so confident in my decision though when I took in account the emptiness of the ship. It was like everyone was in on a great idea, and I missed the memo...or rather I saw it and actually refused it lol. But when I stopped thinking about what everyone else was doing, and my sudden reasons for wanting to do it (and what had changed from my original planning), I realized that the pressure of just saying or being among those to say I did it, was far more prevalent than my actual desire to do it. At my core I knew my purpose was the same. I just resented feeling like the oddball. Or the soon to come conversations with people who would exchange pity glances because I missed out on the experience... ahh... annoying. But I took the time to do catch up on homework and engage in conversations with people on the ship and recording music with John... and suddenly I found myself again. I had disappeared for sometime after India and I was a functioning (although quite questionable for those who really know me) depressed person. Because of my RA duty and just general nature, it is difficult to not be social even if one isn't fully "healed" or suffering... I talked about it in my previous posts... but regardless of how you are feeling, we live for the social scene. It is so important on this trip. I had to take some time and look over the pictures of our past ports. It is humbling and very helpful. It felt nice to have clarity again and to become aware of all that I've done, and all that I will do. I can't tell you how odd it is to see what we've done and to feel so detached where we have these types of silly regrets/dissatisfaction. Proof again of the social pressures I've mentioned. I mean, it was almost as though I'd been sleepwalking... or like I've awakened from a coma of some sort. You forget what you've done, who you've seen, how you've helped. Then my India experience just threw me all outta wack emotionally and mentally. I think the proper word is traumatized and like I mentioned, I hadn't been able to relax since then... and while I was physically engaged in port and ship activities, my body carried stress (ie. that $60 7 seas ship massage I tried). I don't think at this point of the trip or just with a SAS program of this sort of intensity, that I would fully appreciate any of the world wonders if I'd went then. I want to come back and visit (preferably with family/friends)in a much more mentally/emotionally calm stable state and not processing yet another cool thing... that will become another cool thing. The over all resolution is that having done what we've done through SAS, we will not see the benefits until months after we've had time to process. It is so much overstimulation happening lol, it is impossible to really process. We were in what?  3 countries within one week at one point... nuts. I give myself 10 years. I have visas for 12 different countries, and know of 2 great stops within U.S. territories to return to thanks to SAS (San Juan, Puerto Rico and Hilo, Hawai'i). I visiting whether for a week or a few days whether in the summer or something is feasible. Hey, I'm a globe trotter now =)